Sedition Advocating Tirade: a SAT-ire

I wrote this piece in high school and have posted it here at the request of one of my Twitter followers. It was originally published in the school’s humor magazine. The school, Stanton College Preparatory, is an academic magnet and ranked highly in national surveys.

We’re Stanton students. IB and Honors alike, we all take ridiculously hard classless, pull all-nighters to finish homework we “forgot” to do, and consistently rank as some of the best students in the country. We could all make straight As in our neighborhood schools; we could all get a GED in a week. Everyone should know how awesomely smart we are and bow down before our amazing mental abilities.

Except they don’t. Instead, we have to prove our obvious superiority in what should be an easy challenge for such sharply honed minds: the SAT. It is an excellent tool for testing our ability to solve useful mathematical equations, identify significant flaws in writing, and memorize erudite and verbose vocabulary locutions that ameliorate obfuscation and facilitate comprehension of veritable nuances. (Knowing the vocabulary tells you the real meaning…imagine that…)

The Synthetic Artificial Test is very similar to problems we’ll see in college. Bubbled answers will soon become an international language and allow people around the globe to commiserate together. College professors will very often ask their students to write essays on vague and abstract topics. The real world requires you to know the area of the shaded thingy and apply new a operation with a bogus symbol. And you never know when you’ll come across invidious or unscrupulous without a dictionary. But don’t worry; even life’s toughest problems will always have only five answer choices. (Unless there’s an arcane grid.)

The Superfluous Auxiliary Torment is a necessary component of the college application. Its purpose is to show that your intelligence is closer to your 4.42 weighted GPA than your 3.42 unweighted. Colleges use the information to learn things about you that aren’t obvious from your grades, extracurriculars, application essay, teacher recommendations, interviews, interrogations, surveillance cameras, spy satellites, Facebook, medical records, Internet browser history, black market spam lists, wiretaps, and Ouija boards. What would they do without their pencil bubbles, the true indicators of intelligence?

The Subversive Abstruse Trickster is fairly straightforward. The SAT won’t often give you intentionally unclear drawings not drawn to scale, nor ask you about an obscure definition of beguiling. The proctors are only occasionally incompetent enough to not read instructions, or worse, read them during the “silent” testing time. The essay graders are accurate and impartial, even though they spend about a minute to fairly assess the details of the essay you spent 25 minutes writing and several weeks worrying about. The 600-2400 great scale accurately, precisely, and clearly assesses ability based on simple and logical formulae that just happen to be locked up righter than Area 51.

The Soporific Abhorrent Terror is an established, necessary, and fair institution. We Stanton students need another outlet to prove our under appreciated abilities, and what better way than showing them the definition of iconoclast? The College Board is leading the way in the standardization of education, creating fair and equal testing environments, because in the real world everybody has equal opportunities. (This is America, after all—if we don’t like something, we get it changed!) We can prove our dominance over a test that is far beneath us. Our teachers go beyond the call of duty in their drive to give us the best education possible, but we do them a disservice by learning only to regurgitate it  on the test and forgetting it later. We should Stop, Arrest, and Terminate this practice at once! Let’s align our curriculum with the inane material of the ignominious test. That way, we can go to Harvard with our 2400s to fill in bubbles for a living. Won’t it be great to shell out a fortune for college just to make the same amount of money as a high school drop-out? Imposing homogeneity is far nobler than keeping the intellectual aristocracy in their (our) rightful place. After all, the College Board obviously knows better than the Stanton faculty. Students And Teachers of the world, UNITE!

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